The Balancing Act

I am sad that my son is getting an award tomorrow.

Let me rephrase that...my son is getting an award at school tomorrow and I will not be able to be there, and that makes me sad.

I knew this would happen someday. I said that my job wouldn't keep me away from important events in my children's lives. And here I go, already messing that up. I know every parent, especially a working mom, goes through this. That guilt feeling that you're not a good mom because you weren't at the game or the assembly or when the nurse called from school. And then you try to make it feel better by telling yourself he won't remember this or it won't send him to therapy when he's an adult. And it probably won't. But you still don't feel better anyway.

There are 200 people who are expecting a presentation from me at the same time. And then there is one little boy three blocks away who wonders if mommy saw what he did. I can picture it, I can feel it, I can imagine the look on his face when he hears his name. And then I can imagine a little disappointment on his face because I wasn't there.

Oh, good, I just made myself feel worse.

Daddy will be there. That helps and I know he likes daddy better anyway. But does he like daddy better because daddy has more time for him? Chicken and egg? What comes first? I tried to interject a little mom in there. There is a special note I wrote and placed in his lunchbox, in a bag with a special treat. What are the odds he actually reads the note?

Little man, just know how proud mommy is of you, how much I love you, and how much I would change things if I could. You may be student of the week this week, but you will be my firstborn, my only son, for our lifetimes. You made me a mom.