Return of the Beast

I was just rereading a previous blog entry from July...I had just started a new cluster period the month prior within my cluster headache condition, and was wondering how long it would last. Well...six months later it is still here.

Preventative meds were keeping them away for a while. But the problem with preventative meds is that you never really know if your cluster is done or if it's just the meds keeping them at bay. So you have to go off the meds to test it. Which I did. After about 3 months of no headaches, I went off my meds. Had a hopeful two weeks with no headaches, med free, and then HELLO! They were back. There is sort of a desperation that comes over you when you think the malady is gone and then you find out it's not. One starts to wonder if it will ever end and you are faced with the possibility that it may not.

I have had them every night for the last two weeks, sometimes two a night. I actually got to the point last night where I thought it might be better to not even go to sleep. The attacks are largely triggered in the hypothalmus, which regulates your sleep. If I don't go to sleep, I won't awake in that intense pain. I got through nearly two full -bad - movies last night, till about 3:30AM, with this mentality. I couldn't stay awake anymore and of course I awoke around 4:30 with another headache. Which only underscores my point. If I hadn't slept, would I still have had the headache?

My exercise-triggered headaches are back also. I am finding that when I do very high-intensity cardio (e.g. running) I will get a heacache within an hour of stopping. So let's see...two things I enjoy a lot, sleeping and working out. Both are triggers. Sucks bigtime.

I hate that my kids are witnessing this now. My husband has been through many boughts of this with me he knows it's temporary but this is a little new and scary for my kids. My son recently witnessed me in a full-blown attack. I was sobbing and wailing and I think I also yelled at him, I don't quite remember. But I'm sure he remembers that his mother was a screaming lunatic the other night. One of my treatments is to suck on an O2 tank for about 15 minutes and it helps the headache go away. But it really scares my 4-year-old daughter to see me on the tank. I'm not sure what she thinks it is or what she thinks is happening, but she cries the entire time I'm on it. I don't need her to see that or feel that way. And I don't want my kids to worry that this will happen to them.

The last week or two, my 7-year-old son has complained a lot of headaches. I think there are probably a few causes for this, maybe even combined: he hears me talk about headaches and thinks they are common; he is not getting enough sleep; he is not getting enough water; or he is literally getting a headache. But I am terrified that he may someday have the same cluster attacks that I do. I will feel horrible that I may be responsible for passing on some gene that causes one of my children such pain and discomfort.

As I write this, the date has turned from Christmas Eve to Christmas day. I prayed to God and Santa that all I want for Christmas is for all this to stop. That the two headaches I had yesterday will be the last. I want that more than new shoes or jewelry or some kitchen appliance. Is that in your bag, Santa? And at 1:30AM, I am again contemplating the "no sleep" thing, even though I know in five hours my kids will be awake and want presents. I really don't want the bags under my eyes in the Christmas pictures.