I can't tell you how many times I have thanked God for the health - amazingly good health - of my children. Our family has friends where the children have severe allergies, a slight physical handicap - and I always think how lucky and blessed we are that we don't have to worry about those things. But all is not perfect in the Massa household. We are in family therapy with our daughter.
An emotional issue is so hard to diagnose. We still don't know what we're dealing with. With one of the physical ailments, you know what you need to avoid, you know how to pick them up when they fall. But what can you do when you witness your daughter acting out at her friends because she's embarrassed about something? What can you do when your daughter screams because she's thinks she's the only one who can't play a game well? How do you handle giving your daughter bad or sad news because you're not sure if she will be OK or if she'll completely flip out?
It is heartbreaking to watch. She does well in school so we know she is capable of achieving a lot and controlling her behavior. But when she acts out in family settings, or she acts out against her friends, we don't know how to help her. We know she has experienced a few things that she processes as loss: her closest friend moved away a few months ago, and the family has pretty much cut off contact so she doesn't see her friends anymore; I had a falling out with my father about a year ago and now he is not as frequently present in her life as he used to be; when school started this year, she ended up in a class with a lot of people she didn't know well, when many of her friends from last year ended up paired up in the same classes. We know she's got some jealousy there because she feels she's being left out. I see when she's in pain. Sometimes it looks rational to me, but most times, it doesn't. I don't know how to calm her down. I worry that she has alienated or will alienate her friends with her erratic behavior. I am hoping other six-year-olds have short memories.
Tonight, she decided she not want to wear the Halloween costume I bought for her. I was OK with this...frankly, I bought it on sale, without her input, so I knew I had a 50/50 chance of her actually liking it. So she and I went to the dress-up box to see if there was something else she could wear. She must have had five options at least. What did she want to wear? Her Halloween costume from when she was three-years-old, that does not even come close to fitting her. I said no. She. Flipped. Out. I tried everything I could think of to calm her down short of giving in. I am a firm believer that you never give a screaming child what she wants. I reviewed all her other options with her. I told her for next year, we could try to get her a new one in her size. Nothing would calm her down. She was inconsolable. I finally had to put her in her room till she calmed down.
I know some of this could be my fault. I have anger issues. When I get embarrassed, I want to take it out on other people. When I experience loss I want to yell and scream. I have tried so hard to not lash out lately. To count to 10. To take a deep breath (or five). It took me more than 40 years to get to a point where I don't do this (much) anymore. How do I expect a little girl to get these skills in a mere six years?
I walk on eggshells around my daughter now. I have no idea when she's struggling over a word in a book if this is the word she is going to be patient and try to work through or if this is the word that is going to make her throw the book. I have no idea if the outfit I am about "creatively suggest she wear with different leggings" is the one she goes upstairs and changes or the one she tries to shred with her fingers. That girl is strong. She is small but mighty. And when she gets anxious, or embarrassed, or mad, you know it.
We will work with her on whatever it takes to get her to where she can self-soothe again, like she did when she was a baby. To get her to be nice to all her friends again and to make sure she understands that just because her friends are in a different classroom doesn't mean they aren't her friends anymore. To control this when she is six, so that she does not because dependent on some SSRI by the time she is 16.
So when I go to bed tonight, I will ask God for the tools to help me help her. I want her to have a happy, healthy life. Starting now.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Christine Tancredi (Fulton) Massa, as told by the Beastie Boys
A week ago, Adam "MCA" Yauch, one of the founding members of one of my favorite bands, the Beastie Boys, died after a three-year battle with cancer. Anyone who reads my Facebook posts (rants, meanderings) knows I was deeply saddened by this, and still am. Never met them, never saw them perform, but I felt sadness not only for their fans but really for his bandmates, his family members, who would never be the same again. I don't know if Mike D and Adrock will ever put out another record, so I have spent a lot of time this past week recalling how the Beastie Boys' songs brought back some delightful, thought-provoking and significant memories for me.
My first exposure to the Beastie Boys was unknowingly in the film Krush Groove, 1985, senior year of high school. I got hit by a car that year while riding a bike (a story for another blog entry), so I had a full-leg cast and spend a good part of that year either in a brace or on crutches. I hung out a lot with my friend Dawn and her boyfriend Chris (they were very patient with me...I couldn't get a lot of places on my own that year). We saw that movie together. I did a lot with Dawn that year but by graduation we had some falling out and sadly I don't remember what it was over. I'm sorry, Dawn...would love to watch Krush Groove with you again.
By 1986, Licensed to Ill came out. I remember thinking, "Who are these jokers?" But they were everywhere. And their vibe was infectious. Shortly before their album came out, I had my first college boyfriend, Eric. We dated for a few months before we realized we were better friends than anything else. By Christmas, I had met Chip. I was enamored of him. While I was going to Dominguez Hills, he went to Cal. He wore penny loafers and button-down shirts while I wore creepers and shaved the sides of my head. Yes, I dated a prep. He was the first to play Licensed to Ill for me, and I had never heard anything like it. Dating Chip was fun but the long distance thing wasn't, and I ended up doing most of the future Licensed to Ill listening while hanging with Eric at school. I think Chip's parents weren't quite fond of the girl from the wrong side of Gaffey in San Pedro, and we did not get our "Pretty in Pink" ending. Fortunately, I still had the Beastie Boys and my job at the mall and Eric to hang out with.
1989, Paul's Boutique. This is the most critically-acclaimed Beastie Boys album and was well-known for it's creative sampling. Most people know "Hey Ladies" from this album, but my favorite was "Shadrach." I'm sad to say I never owned this album (and yes, I will refer to them all as "albums" regardless of the medium on which I purchased them). I guess it's never too late, thanks to iTunes. By the time Paul's Boutique came out, I was dating Donnie, one of Chip's friends. And before the next Beastie Boys album came out, Donnie and I would be married.
1992, Check Your Head. For me this was the first "rockingest" Beastie Boys album (but of course, Ill Communication hadn't come out yet). I was married, renting a house in Redondo Beach, working a corporate telesales job, still in college at good old CSUDH on the seven-year plan. Remember hearing all the guitars in "So What'cha Want" and thinking, "What is THAT??? What did they just do???" Then you heard "Gratitude" and went "WHAT????" just a little louder. So many guitars? On a rap album? Made by three Jewish white guys? No one could forget the anthemic "Pass the Mic" though - every Beastie Boys album seemed to have at least one song where they just celebrated themselves and their craft. Before the next Beastie Boys album came out, I had to check my own head though...why was I married? What were we doing together?
1994, Ill Communication. Also known as the year my marriage began it's slow decline. I believe by this time the rented house in Redondo had turned into an apartment in Torrance and I was now working in the IT department of that telesales company. I was spending a lot of time at work...as one does when they really don't want to go home. But I had my boys Adrock, MCA and Mike D to keep me company. For me, this was the funniest of all their albums. I loved Biz Markie and Q Tip. "Get it Together" used to make me laugh as I would listen to it over and over and try to figure out all the words. Who else but the Beastie Boys would try to rhyme Ione (Skye, married to Adrock at the time), boney, Chachi and Joanie, and macaroni? And don't you tell me "Heart Attack Man" wasn't a punk song. Beasties getting back to their roots. A lot of people don't know they started out wanting to be a punk band. I guess I was experiencing some Ill Communication of my own...because before the next album came out, I would be single again.
1998, Hello Nasty. By the time this one came out, I was divorced, back to "Tancredi," and back in a house in Redondo Beach. Except this time it was a house I bought with my own money, that I had ruthlessly saved by renting a tiny apartment for three years after my divorce. I loved that house. Peek-a-boo view of the hills, two miles from the beach (walkable for me), a humongous deck that once hosted Thanksgiving dinner for my then-boyfriend and four of our friends (followed by a football game on that same deck, whose paintjob never recovered). I was working for my current employer (started there in 1995) and travelling a lot. And you know who I spent a bunch of weekends with on-and-off over those years? My old friend Eric. Yes, Licensed to Ill Eric. Both of us doing that dance of "Well, neither one of is really dating anyone so should we?" and then realizing that was a stupid idea, and stayed up watching Saturday Night live till we fell asleep on the couch. I remember buying this CD and listening to it a lot in my black convertible. "Intergalactic" seemed to me a bit of Beastie Boys silliness, but isn't that why we love them? My favorite, though, was "Three MCs and one DJ." The whole song is just rapping and scratching and nothing else. And yes, another one of their anthemic celebrations of themselves. We should all celebrate so much. But you know the best thing to celebrate about 1998? While walking through an airport, I ran into an old work acquaintance...whom also happens to be the love of my life. Steve. And before the next album came out, we would be married and have our son.
2004, To the 5 Boroughs. You know the strangest thing that I remember about this album? Now that I had a kid, I was acutely aware of profanity in music. And the Beastie Boys never really had much in their songs. But after I was singing "Ch-Check it Out" and realized I had to "turn this Mother F-ing party out," I learned I had to start buying "clean" versions of music. That's when I knew I had become a mom (a stay-at-home mom, in fact, for almost three years before going back to work). As much as the Paul's Boutique fans will hate on me, I personally think this album is the Beastie's best work. This is their homage to their rebuilt city, New York. A call for peace and unity. So many songs with meaning - "Time to Build," "All Lifestyles, "Right Right Now Now." But they never forgot their silliness...as evidenced on "Crawlspace" and "Triple Trouble." Before the next Beastie Boys album came out, Steve and I would have THREE kids. Our own triple trouble, and I taught them that song. So you know what else happened in 2004? Eric got married, and Steve and I went to his wedding.
It would be 7 years before the Beastie Boys put out another traditional album.
Eric and I had tickets to see the Beastie Boys in concert in 2009. We were finally going to get to see them live, just me and by bestie from college! But the concert was cancelled, because MCA needed to undergo cancer treatment. I remember watching the video announcement on their website. I hoped we would get to go again. Alas, it was not to be.
2011, Hot Sauce Committee, Part 2. Leave it to the Beastie Boys to put out a part 2 without a part 1. Leave it to them to put out a hilarious video for "Make Some Noise" featuring some of today's funniest offbeat comics. I don't know if anyone knew then, that the Beastie Boys could not be in that video because MCA wasn't well enough. I remember when I downloaded "Make Some Noise." It was the first song I ever downloaded directly onto my iPhone. I was getting ready to run a 10k, my first in years, and needed some new music. Someone sent me a link to the song, and while I was stretching, I added it to my run playlist. And wow, did I need it - that was a tough race. This album, unknowingly the Beastie Boys' last, also produced one of my favorite videos, "Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win." Again, no Boys appear, but there are some well-placed dolls and it's very clever.
So I regret to inform you that there won't be any more entries on this post. They won't go back and put out "Hot Sauce Committee, Part 1." You won't see a paragraph that starts with "2014." Because the Beastie Boys will never be the same. And neither will I, because they made an impact on my life. Wonderful memories, fan-flippin'-tastic tunage.
RIP MCA.
My first exposure to the Beastie Boys was unknowingly in the film Krush Groove, 1985, senior year of high school. I got hit by a car that year while riding a bike (a story for another blog entry), so I had a full-leg cast and spend a good part of that year either in a brace or on crutches. I hung out a lot with my friend Dawn and her boyfriend Chris (they were very patient with me...I couldn't get a lot of places on my own that year). We saw that movie together. I did a lot with Dawn that year but by graduation we had some falling out and sadly I don't remember what it was over. I'm sorry, Dawn...would love to watch Krush Groove with you again.
By 1986, Licensed to Ill came out. I remember thinking, "Who are these jokers?" But they were everywhere. And their vibe was infectious. Shortly before their album came out, I had my first college boyfriend, Eric. We dated for a few months before we realized we were better friends than anything else. By Christmas, I had met Chip. I was enamored of him. While I was going to Dominguez Hills, he went to Cal. He wore penny loafers and button-down shirts while I wore creepers and shaved the sides of my head. Yes, I dated a prep. He was the first to play Licensed to Ill for me, and I had never heard anything like it. Dating Chip was fun but the long distance thing wasn't, and I ended up doing most of the future Licensed to Ill listening while hanging with Eric at school. I think Chip's parents weren't quite fond of the girl from the wrong side of Gaffey in San Pedro, and we did not get our "Pretty in Pink" ending. Fortunately, I still had the Beastie Boys and my job at the mall and Eric to hang out with.
1989, Paul's Boutique. This is the most critically-acclaimed Beastie Boys album and was well-known for it's creative sampling. Most people know "Hey Ladies" from this album, but my favorite was "Shadrach." I'm sad to say I never owned this album (and yes, I will refer to them all as "albums" regardless of the medium on which I purchased them). I guess it's never too late, thanks to iTunes. By the time Paul's Boutique came out, I was dating Donnie, one of Chip's friends. And before the next Beastie Boys album came out, Donnie and I would be married.
1992, Check Your Head. For me this was the first "rockingest" Beastie Boys album (but of course, Ill Communication hadn't come out yet). I was married, renting a house in Redondo Beach, working a corporate telesales job, still in college at good old CSUDH on the seven-year plan. Remember hearing all the guitars in "So What'cha Want" and thinking, "What is THAT??? What did they just do???" Then you heard "Gratitude" and went "WHAT????" just a little louder. So many guitars? On a rap album? Made by three Jewish white guys? No one could forget the anthemic "Pass the Mic" though - every Beastie Boys album seemed to have at least one song where they just celebrated themselves and their craft. Before the next Beastie Boys album came out, I had to check my own head though...why was I married? What were we doing together?
1994, Ill Communication. Also known as the year my marriage began it's slow decline. I believe by this time the rented house in Redondo had turned into an apartment in Torrance and I was now working in the IT department of that telesales company. I was spending a lot of time at work...as one does when they really don't want to go home. But I had my boys Adrock, MCA and Mike D to keep me company. For me, this was the funniest of all their albums. I loved Biz Markie and Q Tip. "Get it Together" used to make me laugh as I would listen to it over and over and try to figure out all the words. Who else but the Beastie Boys would try to rhyme Ione (Skye, married to Adrock at the time), boney, Chachi and Joanie, and macaroni? And don't you tell me "Heart Attack Man" wasn't a punk song. Beasties getting back to their roots. A lot of people don't know they started out wanting to be a punk band. I guess I was experiencing some Ill Communication of my own...because before the next album came out, I would be single again.
1998, Hello Nasty. By the time this one came out, I was divorced, back to "Tancredi," and back in a house in Redondo Beach. Except this time it was a house I bought with my own money, that I had ruthlessly saved by renting a tiny apartment for three years after my divorce. I loved that house. Peek-a-boo view of the hills, two miles from the beach (walkable for me), a humongous deck that once hosted Thanksgiving dinner for my then-boyfriend and four of our friends (followed by a football game on that same deck, whose paintjob never recovered). I was working for my current employer (started there in 1995) and travelling a lot. And you know who I spent a bunch of weekends with on-and-off over those years? My old friend Eric. Yes, Licensed to Ill Eric. Both of us doing that dance of "Well, neither one of is really dating anyone so should we?" and then realizing that was a stupid idea, and stayed up watching Saturday Night live till we fell asleep on the couch. I remember buying this CD and listening to it a lot in my black convertible. "Intergalactic" seemed to me a bit of Beastie Boys silliness, but isn't that why we love them? My favorite, though, was "Three MCs and one DJ." The whole song is just rapping and scratching and nothing else. And yes, another one of their anthemic celebrations of themselves. We should all celebrate so much. But you know the best thing to celebrate about 1998? While walking through an airport, I ran into an old work acquaintance...whom also happens to be the love of my life. Steve. And before the next album came out, we would be married and have our son.
2004, To the 5 Boroughs. You know the strangest thing that I remember about this album? Now that I had a kid, I was acutely aware of profanity in music. And the Beastie Boys never really had much in their songs. But after I was singing "Ch-Check it Out" and realized I had to "turn this Mother F-ing party out," I learned I had to start buying "clean" versions of music. That's when I knew I had become a mom (a stay-at-home mom, in fact, for almost three years before going back to work). As much as the Paul's Boutique fans will hate on me, I personally think this album is the Beastie's best work. This is their homage to their rebuilt city, New York. A call for peace and unity. So many songs with meaning - "Time to Build," "All Lifestyles, "Right Right Now Now." But they never forgot their silliness...as evidenced on "Crawlspace" and "Triple Trouble." Before the next Beastie Boys album came out, Steve and I would have THREE kids. Our own triple trouble, and I taught them that song. So you know what else happened in 2004? Eric got married, and Steve and I went to his wedding.
It would be 7 years before the Beastie Boys put out another traditional album.
Eric and I had tickets to see the Beastie Boys in concert in 2009. We were finally going to get to see them live, just me and by bestie from college! But the concert was cancelled, because MCA needed to undergo cancer treatment. I remember watching the video announcement on their website. I hoped we would get to go again. Alas, it was not to be.
2011, Hot Sauce Committee, Part 2. Leave it to the Beastie Boys to put out a part 2 without a part 1. Leave it to them to put out a hilarious video for "Make Some Noise" featuring some of today's funniest offbeat comics. I don't know if anyone knew then, that the Beastie Boys could not be in that video because MCA wasn't well enough. I remember when I downloaded "Make Some Noise." It was the first song I ever downloaded directly onto my iPhone. I was getting ready to run a 10k, my first in years, and needed some new music. Someone sent me a link to the song, and while I was stretching, I added it to my run playlist. And wow, did I need it - that was a tough race. This album, unknowingly the Beastie Boys' last, also produced one of my favorite videos, "Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win." Again, no Boys appear, but there are some well-placed dolls and it's very clever.
So I regret to inform you that there won't be any more entries on this post. They won't go back and put out "Hot Sauce Committee, Part 1." You won't see a paragraph that starts with "2014." Because the Beastie Boys will never be the same. And neither will I, because they made an impact on my life. Wonderful memories, fan-flippin'-tastic tunage.
RIP MCA.
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