I can't tell you how many times I have thanked God for the health - amazingly good health - of my children. Our family has friends where the children have severe allergies, a slight physical handicap - and I always think how lucky and blessed we are that we don't have to worry about those things. But all is not perfect in the Massa household. We are in family therapy with our daughter.
An emotional issue is so hard to diagnose. We still don't know what we're dealing with. With one of the physical ailments, you know what you need to avoid, you know how to pick them up when they fall. But what can you do when you witness your daughter acting out at her friends because she's embarrassed about something? What can you do when your daughter screams because she's thinks she's the only one who can't play a game well? How do you handle giving your daughter bad or sad news because you're not sure if she will be OK or if she'll completely flip out?
It is heartbreaking to watch. She does well in school so we know she is capable of achieving a lot and controlling her behavior. But when she acts out in family settings, or she acts out against her friends, we don't know how to help her. We know she has experienced a few things that she processes as loss: her closest friend moved away a few months ago, and the family has pretty much cut off contact so she doesn't see her friends anymore; I had a falling out with my father about a year ago and now he is not as frequently present in her life as he used to be; when school started this year, she ended up in a class with a lot of people she didn't know well, when many of her friends from last year ended up paired up in the same classes. We know she's got some jealousy there because she feels she's being left out. I see when she's in pain. Sometimes it looks rational to me, but most times, it doesn't. I don't know how to calm her down. I worry that she has alienated or will alienate her friends with her erratic behavior. I am hoping other six-year-olds have short memories.
Tonight, she decided she not want to wear the Halloween costume I bought for her. I was OK with this...frankly, I bought it on sale, without her input, so I knew I had a 50/50 chance of her actually liking it. So she and I went to the dress-up box to see if there was something else she could wear. She must have had five options at least. What did she want to wear? Her Halloween costume from when she was three-years-old, that does not even come close to fitting her. I said no. She. Flipped. Out. I tried everything I could think of to calm her down short of giving in. I am a firm believer that you never give a screaming child what she wants. I reviewed all her other options with her. I told her for next year, we could try to get her a new one in her size. Nothing would calm her down. She was inconsolable. I finally had to put her in her room till she calmed down.
I know some of this could be my fault. I have anger issues. When I get embarrassed, I want to take it out on other people. When I experience loss I want to yell and scream. I have tried so hard to not lash out lately. To count to 10. To take a deep breath (or five). It took me more than 40 years to get to a point where I don't do this (much) anymore. How do I expect a little girl to get these skills in a mere six years?
I walk on eggshells around my daughter now. I have no idea when she's struggling over a word in a book if this is the word she is going to be patient and try to work through or if this is the word that is going to make her throw the book. I have no idea if the outfit I am about "creatively suggest she wear with different leggings" is the one she goes upstairs and changes or the one she tries to shred with her fingers. That girl is strong. She is small but mighty. And when she gets anxious, or embarrassed, or mad, you know it.
We will work with her on whatever it takes to get her to where she can self-soothe again, like she did when she was a baby. To get her to be nice to all her friends again and to make sure she understands that just because her friends are in a different classroom doesn't mean they aren't her friends anymore. To control this when she is six, so that she does not because dependent on some SSRI by the time she is 16.
So when I go to bed tonight, I will ask God for the tools to help me help her. I want her to have a happy, healthy life. Starting now.
Monday, October 22, 2012
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