So this is going to be one of those posts that, when you are done writing it, you hope it will be cathartic. Let's see.
Some of my close friends in high school know that 15-17 were pretty messed up years for me. I bounced around a lot of houses with different parents and step-family. Even ended up in an apartment with my sister and her toddler when my dad said we couldn't live in his house anymore "because were disruptive to his new marriage" to his alcoholic wife - we will call her L.
L passed away yesterday. Her decades of smoking and drinking to excess finally caught up with her. And I feel...nothing. Yes I am sad for my dad because he is sad, and i spent some time with him yesterday. But L dying? I'm indifferent. I'm certainly not happy and bouncing off the walls; that would just be disturbing. I'm more....blank.
Fast forward about 20 years from when I was 15. I eventually patched things up with my dad after he and L divorced I didn't know at 15 or 16 that co-dependents do unnatural things for their addict spouses like shunning their children. By 35 I understood that he had to deal with that and he was finally free of her. I also understood she had a disease and was not in control of her behavior - but she wasn't my problem anymore. Until one day a few years ago, she came back to live with him. And dad sank back into his old co-dependent behaviors. You can read more about that in this post from 2011.
I wouldn't allow my children to go to his house anymore because she was there (and drinking) and she was unwelcome in mine. I didn't want to have to explain her to my children - they are too young, Could I have forgiven her? I think maybe I did in my own mind, knowing that she had a disease. But was I going to forget the plates she threw at me? That I had to cook dinner every night when I lived with her because she came home from work every day completely lit? That she was the cause of the rift in my relationship with my dad? No. I wasn't going to be her friend and I wasn't going to make nice. I figured by my mid-40s, I had the right to choose who I wanted to allow in my life, and she was a complication I didn't need. She has three of her own children. They could save her.
Dad accepted that this was my decision and obliged. He would come to the kids' events by himself when he could, but always made a quick exit because "L couldn't be alone for too long."
Do I wish I'd had a more Christian attitude toward dealing with her? That I'd been more accepting? More of "turning the other cheek'? Honestly, no. I was perfectly content not having her and her addictions in my life. .Does that make me a bad Christian? Not sure - but I am taking that up with God and we'll have it out.
So when my sister called me yesterday and said, "L died today," I don't recall having one of those "Oh my gosh" moments or being overwhelmed with emotion. I think I said, "OK."
Then I remember thinking, "Maybe we'll see dad a little bit more now. My kids miss his dogs.."
I guess that's how I handle grief. Or lack thereof.
