How far forgiveness?

I've recently started reading the blog my ex-husband writes.

OK, maybe a few surprises in that sentence. Yes, I can read, and yes, I have an ex-husband. Welcome to the '90s for Christine Tancredi.

Well, it actually started in the '80s when we met. We belonged to our respective groups of girl/guy friends who worked at different stores in Del Amo Mall. I think somehow in our interlinked group, each of the guys had dated (or, well, maybe something short of dated...) at least two girls in the group, and vice versa. We were no exceptions, and we all kinda made our way around it. Maybe one of the things that bonded the two of us was that we were both writers, both Communications majors at our respective colleges. I went the advertising/PR route, and he was more of a traditional journalist. What's funny about it now is that we both have blogs. I assume he has one for the same reason I do - we're both in jobs that are not terribly creative, and we each need our creative outlets.

There's a lot of assumption in the above, because I don't really know. We're not actually friends. Which got me thinking...why couldn't we be?

I haven't spoken to him in years. In fact I think the last time I did was when I was remarrying. I thought I needed to have my marriage to him annulled and I of course needed his agreement to do so. I ended up not needing the annullment, but I did get some feedback from him that I wasn't expecting. I *think* he forgave me for the mistakes I made in our marriage. He let me know at that time that he could look back on our 7-year-relationship and remember more of the funny times than the bad times, and that he was no longer angry. This was 10 years ago. His mom died a few years ago and I had planned to go to her funeral, but I decided not to at the last minute because frankly I didn't know if I'd be welcome.

By 10 years ago, I was no longer angry either, and I'd forgiven him long before that thanks to a wonderful therapist named Lily. We both made mistakes and I think we spent our entire marriage in different emotional places, unavailable to eachother at the times when one needed the other. And although our break-up wasn't quite pretty, we've both ended up in better places and must acknowledge it was for the best. And maybe that's why I don't recommend marriage for people in their early 20s. You never know who you will be when you grow up, but it's not usually who you are at 22.

So why do I hesitate when I say I thought I'd been forgiven? It kinda comes back to the blogging. I have seen things in his blog that make reference to our long-ago past. The other day he all but mentioned me by name in his blog as he distinctly recalled a funny episode from our time together. OK, good, he hasn't completely blocked it. I have left very brief, positive comments on his blog entries. And they've been deleted. And he won't be my friend on Facebook. Some of his friends are my friends, but not him.

I kinda get it. No, I really get it. You know, when I read his blog he seems like he has the kind of family my family would be friends with if we lived in the same neighborhood--and, oh yeah, if we hadn't been married to each other. There's always gonna be that. Even though I know my husband is the love of my life, I can never erase that I've had a "first marriage" before him. And do I want to erase it? No, probably not, because I wouldn't be the same person I am today without it. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell my kids about it someday. I wonder how or if my ex will tell his.

But we will probably never be friends again, not on Facebook, not in life. And I think I will have to live with that. I started to write, "and not take it personally." That's impossible. One can't not take that personally. But one can take it realistically. Can't live in the past. My life is good now and complete. And complete doesn't mean having everything but it means having enough.

I have more than enough good in my life to not need anything more. And we can't always get what we want and that's OK. And it could be worse. I'm sure there are plenty of "I hate my ex" blogs out there, and he doesn't have one of those, right?